i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
