So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
