I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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