I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize