wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
