I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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