i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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