dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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