DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize