I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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