when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
