I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
