i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
