We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
