you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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