I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You ruined the universe
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
