who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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