2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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