Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
