sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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