I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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