"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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