I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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