Betty ford says i'm here all night
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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