i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
