So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
