Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
