This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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