oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
