OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
is that a dick in a sweater?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
