I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
