so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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