Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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