he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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