Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
