so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
