someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
