Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
