Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
