We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
