Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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