U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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