I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
