I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
