I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
