I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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