it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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