I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
