you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
