At least make sure they are 18
Why
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
