My friends, they love my intelligence
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
