I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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