nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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