i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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