You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
