I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
