so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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